How to Create Healthy Boundaries in Three Steps

Let’s face it, people can be scary. Saying, “I am changing my boundaries and need you to accept that,” is an intimidating prospect to say the least. We might worry that we’ll disappoint someone, that they won’t accept our boundary, or that they won’t take us seriously. 

Luckily, it isn’t up to others what our limits are. It’s up to us, and to truly start creating healthy boundaries, we need to communicate them. 

Step One: Awareness

Before you talk to who you’re setting that boundary with, you need a little conversation with yourself. That boundary is for you, and when you thoroughly understand how it aligns with your life’s priorities, you enter that conversation from a place of strength.

To start, reflect and understand why your boundary is valuable. 

• How does it align with your priorities? 

• How does it help you care for yourself? 

The more aware you are of the ‘why’ behind your boundary, the more you’ll see it as a valuable thing, and the more confident you’ll be in establishing and sticking to it with others, even if you’re put under pressure.

Once you establish the ‘why,’ keep reminding yourself of its value. Whether you practice telling yourself in the mirror, leave post-it note messages on the dresser, or set a daily reminder on your phone, find a way to consistently remind yourself how much this boundary will help you move forward. 

For bonus points, also tell yourself that you’re fantastic, worthy of creating healthy boundaries and that you’re capable of anything you set your mind to. Of course, reminding yourself that you’re a badass can’t hurt!

Step Two: Use ‘I’ Statements

Okay, so you’ve taken time to reflect and understand why your boundary is valuable. Now that you’ve got the confidence, you can move on to the next step: having the first conversation.

When you talk to others, keep the focus on where it should be: yourself. The best trick to make sure you keep the focus on your experience, instead of pointing fingers at someone or letting the conversation become about the other person, is by using “I” statements to communicate how you feel and what you need. 

The other person needs to know what the boundary is and when it applies, so start there. “Moving forward, I need (state boundary) because (explain a little about where you’re at and how you arrived to needing this boundary.)” This will show how you’ve seriously reflected on it and give them context for understanding its value. 

Depending on your comfort level and relationship with the other person, feel free to tell them even more details about “why” the boundary matters to you by opening up about how the lack of that boundary has affected you and how it will help you move forward. Know that this is added information is optional and relationship-dependent, though.

Step Three: Use Your Actions

“Actions speak louder than words” is a cliché for a reason…because it’s actually true. 

Just telling people your new boundaries isn’t always enough. They will test to see if that boundary is real or a new imaginary concept they can ignore. Some people don’t really learn something until they experience it, and some will try to ignore it because they benefited from you not having that boundary before.

Whether they try the ‘nice’ approach and say, “But we can ignore it just this once, right?” or they take the more indirect approach and act like it doesn’t exist at all, there’s going to come a moment when you need to assert yourself with real action. 

Simply communicate your boundary again in a respectful manner to that person and follow through with the corresponding action.

Don’t worry, people will adjust to your new boundary in time. Once they see you repeatedly asserting, “Yes, this boundary is real, and I’m going to stick to it,” they’ll stop pushing back and adjust to the new way things work. 

Conclusion

The best benefit of going through these steps, other than learning how to communicate your boundaries and stick it them, is that developing new ones later on gets easier. People around you will realize that you mean what you say, and they will start to adjust more quickly with each new boundary you set. If you’ve been looking for a way to create healthy boundaries in your life, Dr. Rachel Therapist Plymouth can help. Simply book a free consult to learn more.